Yep, you read it right. E X H A U S T I N G. I know when I first started this blog it was literally about all of the dates I went on (humble brag), and now it’s different. It’s
just about…me. Not to say that I won’t ever write about those experiences again, because they were fun, eye-opening, and I learned SO much from them.
I’m a better person for them, even though they (obviously) didn’t work out how I would’ve liked. One thing that I’ve always remembered is to be my true self with this dating thing. It’s hard, because once you see that you’re interested in the person, you want them to like you too. If you’ve never experienced that, I’d think in the back of my mind that you’re lying. Who cares what I think, though, right?
I’ve said this in a previous post before that I didn’t really “date” when I lived in Chicago (or anytime before that, really). Date = Going out on dates. I feel like I have to make that clear because people think that means being in a relationship. Anyway…I didn’t date in Chicago for multiple reasons. I didn’t make it a priority or anything I felt like I wanted. I always felt that I would be made to choose between being with someone or my career. Thank you to that person who made me feel that way. I don’t think it was done on purpose.
Guess what I chose – going to college and I will never regret that decision. It pretty much destroyed a lot of my thinking for the beginning of my 20’s though (and during college). Of course there were people I was interested in (sorry y’all, now you know why I acted like that), but I blocked it somehow (different ways) because I felt in the end I would have to choose. Again, thank you to that person who made me think that at 17 years old. Again, I don’t think it was purposely done that way. Wait – I KNOW it wasn’t done on purpose, but it happened.
When I moved here I said I would really put myself out there and date. Trying all avenues. Whether that was approaching and making small talk with a guy to online dating. I will say, I don’t have horror stories. Well, depending on what you would call “horror”. It literally changed my view on a LOT of things. Like, a LOT. Being vulnerable sucks when you don’t know for sure what you’re going to get back, especially for me because I like to be in control.
A lot of things I do or take over because I know I won’t fail myself. So, when I let my guard down for anyone, especially a man. Oh, you’re IT. Well, at least that’s what I’m thinking at that time. It’s only happened twice. I think. The second time was in New York. It still haunts me. Sometimes you have to break away from toxic things. I couldn’t do it myself though. No, not at all. Dating sounds very fun until your emotions come in. Agh!
If it weren’t for my mom, a small list of friends who were there to listen and/or give feedback, and a really good therapist I’d be a mess. Well, you know, more than the mess that we all feel that we already are. lol. (Oh, and one of my favorite people to follow on Instagram (@demetriallucas) who’s a dating/relationship expert and author- seriously, she’s the bomb.com and hilarious!).
So, I guess to get back to my initial statement – Dating is exhausting. I have made more time to write (the reason you’re seeing more blog posts as of late), to try new things, organize my life, and foster those relationships (whether friends, mentors, etc.) that I believe are worth it. That’s not to say I’m never going on another date – lol. I just need to focus a little on what’s more important – Me. I will no longer fight for anything not worth fighting for. I will let go of things that are toxic, because I want to. I’m just going to need a really good accountability partner. 🙂
We’re all, runnin’ through lovers, yeah
From one to the other
But I can’t control how much a touch affects me
Cause I can’t recover
From every new lover
While people move on so fast don’t understand…
–Sabrina Claudio“Runnin’ Through Lovers”